Birthday Reflections
The Gift of Perspective
I just celebrated my 51st birthday, so I guess now I’m officially in my fifties and no longer hovering at the beginning of them. I was struck by something the night of my birthday and the following morning as I reflected on my recent trip around the sun, and that is how different this feels from any other post-birthday reflection. I was transported back to age 31—just now realizing that was 20 years ago, WOW! Time really does fly.
Anyway, back to my thirties…I clearly remember feeling excited and somewhat empowered to be turning 30. It was 2006, I had just lost around 30 pounds at that time, so I was feelin’ myself a bit. Had a little extra pep in my step. It was a moment in time after my dad had passed and before I was even aware that I would soon be starting grad school. I had no idea how much my life was about to change in so many ways. I was excited about turning 30, but just one year later I remember feeling the exact opposite.
Being officially in my thirties somehow brought to the surface all the fears and judgments I had about all the things I SHOULD have accomplished by then but hadn’t. Back then, the shame around the choices I had made, which changed the trajectory of my life when I started college weighed heavy on me. I somehow felt behind everyone else, but the heaviest part was one I didn’t consciously realize then—by spending much of my life up until that point performing and shapeshifting to gain love and acceptance, I was also betraying myself.
My instinct was to please, strive for perfection and control, and give more of myself than anyone ever asked of me with the hope of earning love and belonging.
No one asked me to. I just did it.
And even though it led to a lot of heartache, pain, and loneliness I don’t regret it.
That’s the difference sitting here at 51 rather than 31.
It was all part of my journey. My story.
To lose myself so I could find myself when I was ready to accept myself as exactly who I am.
That’s why I think 51 feels so good.
Not because I’m done healing and growing, but I’m done pretending to be someone I’m not.
Have I reached every goal I’ve set, or received every manifestation I’ve put out into the Universe? Absolutely not. The difference is that instead of feeling defeated by that, as I sit here today, I instead feel excited by that.
I feel curious and enthusiastic about what opportunities are on the horizon that I can’t yet see, instead of fearful of the unknown. I feel a sense of calm and openness about things I have yet to imagine for myself that I can feel in my bones are making their way to me. I have a deep knowing that regardless of life’s challenges and struggles, somehow all things come together for good.
Here are just a few things I hold from the lens of 51, that my 31-year-old self had yet to discover:
It is possible to find moments of joy and hope while in the depths of grief and loss.
Finding peace doesn’t diminish the love behind the grief.
I don’t need to earn rest. If I need it, I take it. I function far better after I do.
I’m allowed to take up space and show up as my full self.
I no longer ask for permission to be myself. I just am.
Seeking approval is no longer my priority.
Guilt is a normal human emotion, but it’s one I need to work through and release, not allow to set up permanent residence in my soul.
I am exactly where and who I’m supposed to be at this exact moment in time.
There’s a lot more, but hopefully you get the gist. The last few months have definitely been challenging, but they’ve also shown me once again how much love I have in my life and what I’m capable of overcoming. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds, but in my experience, it can help. I’ve learned that if I take the time to feel what I need to feel and work through the really hard stuff, time can ease the pain enough for me to move forward and find the light at the end of a dark tunnel.
If you find yourself in a dark or difficult place, I hope you find what you need to help you keep moving forward.
The next chapter of my series Reflections from This Version of Me will be posted in the third week of July. Next up in that series:
Chapter 3 – Lonely Soul
A poem written in 1991 and published in my high school newspaper—the first piece of my writing ever published. More than three decades later, I’ll revisit it through the lens of who I am today.
As always, thank you for reading.
Take care,
Melinda
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